• One day, a hairy-footed midget will save us all
• Never underestimate an old man with a beard and a stick
• Breeding new life forms will bring down the wrath of the righteous.
• Never toss a dwarf.
• Beware of flying dwarves; they were most likely tossed.
• Stealing a horse is alright if the cause is great enough.
• Never underestimate the power of a magical sword.
• You shall not pass! ...No, seriously, you're not passing. No one is.
• Never again shall a movie about walking be so epic.
• Beware of strange jewelry
• If you’re ever named ring bearer, make sure it involves a wedding and not a lengthy quest to the fires of Mordor.

than an eternity since my last post, and I could easily update you all on my job, schoolwork and all of that bullshit, I feel that I'd much rather review the worst movie I've ever seen.

Until I saw Smoking Aces, I was convinced that Hannakin Skylecter Rising (or Hannibal Rising to those you who were lucky enough to have not seen it) was the shittiest movie ever made. Fate was not kind enough to let that have been the worst movie I've seen. Oh no. Fate was like "Fuck that!" and like a monkey, it flung a the steaming pile of shit that is Smoking Aces right in my face.

As far as I can tell from the ads, it looked like it was supposed to be a Tarantino-esque expedition into the realm of ultra-violence. The ads promised good action with very little story, and a pseudo unique cast of characters.

Let me start with a plot summary.

s bad if it didn’t take itself so fucking seriously. Like something more cheeseball would’ve done it some good. I’d like it more if they put in a laugh track that laughed at horribly inappropriate moments, or maybe have a character smile at the screen after saying something witty (which no one ever does). Christ! I give this movie credit for one thing and one thing alone: It somehow managed to be worse than Hannakin  Skylecter Rising, the love letter, and Shanghai Knights combined. That is no small feat. I was impressed, but not in a good way.

This film (and I call it a film only because that’s the medium Hollywood chose to deliver this horrible crime against humanity to the masses, not because it’s worthy of being called a film) has no redeeming qualities. Not even one frame is good. It’s not even fun to watch in the watching a bad movie for fun sense. The camera work is bad, the action scenes are bad, the plot is horrible, and I want every copy destroyed.

If you own this on DVD, please do the world a favor and destroy it. Take a hammer to it, smash with a bat, put it through the CD shredding part of a paper shredder just get rid of it. If you don't own it, thank whatever deity you believe in and avoid it.